When you first meet someone new, it’s easy to be curious about them and want to find out more.  However, when that newness has rubbed off, we can start to feel we already know everything there is to know. We stop asking questions and being interested, and quickly fall into a rut. 

All relationships go through rough patches and troughs, and all require work in order to grow. Relationships need maintenance, even with the most easygoing of people.  Growth doesn’t just happen, unless you want weeds. 

There needs to be a grounding of friendship, understanding and mutual respect.

As already mentioned, when you first met your partner or a good friend, you may have spent ages on the phone, let coffee go cold as you discussed life, values and interests. Your time was precious, so your curiosity about each other was great. The longer you spend together, the less important it becomes to ask those questions as you go with the flow of everyday life.

Talking about our core motivations and appreciating who each other are, instead of going over the daily checklist, allows us to feel we are being heard and understood - otherwise we can go down a track of distancing and potentially wake up one day wondering who the other person is in our house.

In any relationship, it’s easy to fall into the pattern of asking “How was your day?” And hearing “Fine!”, and that be that. Try to ask more interesting and interested questions, for example, “What do you feel could have gone differently today?” - questions like this do require both parties to be invested and willing to listen and answer. Most people like to feel that you are genuinely curious about their efforts, but please make sure your questions are relevant, inquisitive, and don’t come across as negative, judgemental or condescending.  We have an inherent empathetic need to try to fix people’s problems, but we need to hold that in check in order to build a meaningful conversation and validation.

We might not even know our partner’s interests, and they may have assumed we are just not interested, so don’t offer up information. It can help to show you care by asking questions. You will probably not end up as passionate about the inner workings of a wind turbine or the chart positions of a British Funk act from the 90s (for example!) and that’s not the point - by showing a curiosity in what your partner likes, you are showing that you want to understand them better.  Ask questions that help you both focus on the positive and what is enjoyable about your relationship.

When you are curious about another person, you’re curious about their world and everything within it. 

Curiosity isn’t just about personal interests, it’s also being curious about how a person ticks. It allows for better communication, as sometimes we tend to jump to conclusions and make assumptions when we think we know how the other person will react. Give your partner the opportunity to let down their barriers and to open up to you about something you didn’t know about them, and allow the two of you to grow that bond.