Some things just keep happening. It’s the same scenario and it leaves you feeling empty, frustrated and defeated.

You know you need to stand up for yourself, so where do you start?

Here are some steps that may help.

1. Cool down in advance. Emotions are useful things that help us recognise our limits and set boundaries, but when it comes to speaking up for ourselves, they can confuse and hear us up. And make it hard to think and express ourselves clearly. The listener may just brush us off as ‘hysterical’ or not to be taken seriously. The less emotional you are when stand up for yourself, and the more neutral the tone and words, the better. Do what you need to do to diffuse feelings of frustration in a safe way before having those difficult conversations.

2. Have you understood the situation correctly? Sometimes our thoughts can be distorted by cognitive bias or extreme black and white thinking. While you may have some facts at your disposal, you might be the type of person who assumes the worst and they become facts in your mind. A problem can become a catastrophe. Don’t assume that you know how the other person is thinking if you haven’t asked them.

3. Look at a situation from different angles. It’s so easy to get tunnel vision and fixed on one solution. If you see different perspectives, it puts you on better footing for negotiating and being heard. Try to look at things through the eyes of the other person, or from a big picture perspective, rather than the immediate, heated panic of the present moment.

4. Know what you want, and what you are standing up for. If we panic we can sometimes make requests that actually don’t work for us. Think about what is at the heart of the issue - not what you should want or people have led you to believe you need. What works for you? What part of the solution are you responsible for?

5. Simmer down. If you feel you are getting too angry and are at risk of behaving manipulatively, you can step back and continue the conversation at another time. Good communication is an art and a skill. It doesn’t come naturally to many, but is something we can all learn and get better at with practice. Stick to the point, don’t make excuses or background explanation - keep on topic. Take your time.

6. Don’t drag other people into it - this so called ‘triangling’. Keep the conversation about and with the people you’re currently talking to. Try not to bring up past issues and feelings, unless they are properly connected to the current conversation. Otherwise it is a way of bringing shame and blame into the current situation, you can veer off topic. You don’t need backup from the past or from other people to stand up for yourself.

7. Let the needle stick. You know what a broken record sounds like? Be this in the conversation when you know the other person is trying to blame-shift or manipulate you. No, you can’t do it. You aren’t available. It’s not possible. No explanation necessary, just repeat your stance of no.

8. In a healthy conflict, be open to compromise. Sometimes we get new insight and greater understanding, or new information while we talk. The penny might drop why a person is acting a certain way or why something keeps happening. We don’t drop our own needs, but it may mean a change in approach or finding a middle ground.

9. Keep going. You may have become conditioned to let others walk over you over a long time, but you can start somewhere. It will take others a while to get used to this new boundary-setting you - not everyone will like it (and some will be notable by their behavior and/or disappearance). You might feel discouraged if you first attempt at standing up for yourself only brings respect temporarily, it it’s still your first step. Keep doing it and eventually others will realise you are serious about the limits you’ve set.