You have kids, and you love them dearly, but what happens if you and your co-parent have vastly differing parenting approaches? We may try to inform ourselves with all the best parenting techniques, but eventually fall back into certain styles, mostly shaped by the way we were raised ourselves, and based on what we think worked or changing what didn’t. 

On a simple level (and I am aware of many descriptions and shades of parenting not covered here), the main parenting styles are classified as either:

Authoritarian - Are you a strict, controlling parent? Do you need to know everything your kids think or do? You want your kids to reflect well on you by their behavior.  kids are a reflection of you. You decide what they wear,what they do, and favor punishment for any mistakes. 

Permissive - you say yes to almost everything, your main goal is to make your kids happy and like you. 

Uninvolved - you take a hands off approach, leaving the decision-making and caregiving to others. 

Authoritative - you try to lead by example, and try to understand the feelings behind your child’s actions. If they make a mistake you show them how to do better with kindness and calmly explain natural consequences. 

Once children perceive that their parents differ in approach, it can raise a few issues:

• Arguing and fighting over how to parent in front of kids will lead to anxiety and the sense that the rug has been pulled from under your child. As parents, we are our kids’ safety net - if they see that uncertainty, their sense of security will crumble. Kids are also VERY attuned to unspoken tension from disagreement behind closed doors.

• Lack of consistency in parenting can cause feelings of insecurity - children like rhythm and structure - they like to know where they stand. Extreme reactions from a caregiver can shatter their stability.

• When parents disagree, children automatically feel shame and guilt as they believe THEY must be responsible.

• Our children can act as mirrors - behaving in the way we behave. They will also act out as they don’t know how to handle those feelings of shame, insecurity and anxiety, or behaving differently with each parent as they know what works. This isn’t out of ‘manipulation’ to play each parent off against each other, it is born out of being unsettled, unsure and unsafe.

However, if one parent takes the authoritative approach, it can mitigate the negative approach by another parent - a middle ground is good, a united approach is better. 

Identify your goals as a family and how you will get there. Set those goals and both commit to them as parents. 

Acknowledge what you do agree on, and be consistent.

Understand why you differ. What were your own childhoods like?  How did you become who you are?  Don’t forget to keep communicating. 

Neither of you are perfect and you do and will make mistakes. There is great power in saying thank you, and even more in apology - not just to each other as adults, but to your children as well. 

It’s important to discover the intention behind you parenting styles. Maybe you can reach a mutual and healthy compromise. However, If you can’t find a positive in your partner’s behaviour and have a lot of anxiety as to whether it may ultimately damage your kids and fracture relationships, it is of course a good idea to seek professional help.