As a parent, one of the last things we want to hear is that our child is being bullied. It can put a parent into a position of helplessness, and when a child isn’t forthcoming about what they are going through. 

What is bullying? How can we help?

• Bullying includes physical abuse, name-calling, exclusionary or threatening behavior, spreading rumors etc., but isn’t restricted to these things. Any repeated behavior that is meant to cause pain or distress is bullying.

• Being bullied is NOT par for the course while growing up. It’s effects can be damaging far into adulthood, and result in anxiety, low self-esteem and even thoughts of suicide for lots of people. Contrary to the quote, what doesn’t kill you does NOT make you stronger. Words DO hurt.

• Bullying is isolating. Take your child seriously. Listen, don’t interrupt and let them tell you in their own time, in their own words. They can’t and shouldn’t face this on their own.

• What bullying looks like can vary and change. The type of bullying can be unique and specific and for many ‘reasons’. If parents try to figure out the ‘why’, it will be frustrating and counterproductive. The child doesn’t need the extra stress of a parent cross-examining them to figure out why, they need a parent who is present and will help them figure things out for themselves. One method is disempowering, while the other gives the child tools for their own strength.

Children can be reluctant to talk to us for a number of reasons. They may have been threatened to not tell, or worried that things will get worse. Or they perhaps feel that they won’t be taken seriously, they are embarrassed or somehow at fault themselves. 

As a parent we can make things worse, too. We can over-react and go in all guns blazing. This can result in our child feeling humiliated, powerless and even increase negative attention from other students. Conversely, if we shrug off the bullying, making it no big deal or tell them “just ignore it”, we are dismissing how our child feels, creating a bigger sense of having to do it alone and breaking trust with us, their parents. 

Implying that your child has somehow done something wrong because they are unable to stand up for themselves can be incredibly damaging. This makes the child believe that bullies have a legitimate reason for bullying them, because they are clearly at fault. They will feel that there is something wrong with them, not that the bullying behavior is wrong. 

As parents, we need to examine our own feelings about bullying, as these inform our reactions. Embrace empathy for your child, and consider your next steps carefully. We always want to encourage our child to be sociable and adaptable, but they are also very smart - if they pick up on even the smallest insinuation that they wouldn’t be bullied if they were stronger/smarter/less sensitive - it will hurt. The more we focus on their behavior as a victim, the more they will believe they are a target. The bullies may change, but they will adopt a victim mentality in other situations as well. 

Plan what you need to say to teachers etc. in advance. Deal in facts, not feelings, and be calm. They may not be aware of all the details. Give specific examples if you can, and make a decisive plan going forwards. 

When our children tell us about being bullied, it’s usually the start of a particular conversation for us as adults. However, for the child, it’s generally at the end of a period of worry and anxiety over broaching the subject. Don’t take on the burden of finding a solution without involving your child. They need to have a say and play an active part in problem-solving, and this will increase their confidence and self-worth.