Communication is one main bedrock of good relationships.  If we struggle with being heard or understand what others mean, there may be some reasons for this. 

We looked at some issues in Part 1, so let’s continue and look at some more barriers to effective communication. 

“I never know how you feel!” - this is a common catch-cry in many relationships, and is born out of the fact many of us don’t know how to talk about our feelings. There is an inability to name the emotions - maybe you have been encouraged to bury your feelings from a young age - to stop crying, to ‘man up’, to ‘stop being dramatic’.  Being raised in a culture that doesn’t communicate feelings can stifle that ability in the long term. We are more than what we do, we are beings who feel - this is who we are. 

If a child only gets shown love (or any attention at all) when they are well-behaved or undemanding,  and ignored or punished when sad or angry, they quickly learn to bury those feelings deep and forget how to feel at all. Those feelings become like distant strangers.

Maybe you are able to express your feelings freely, but when pressed to talk about what you actually need or want, you come up empty. There may be an assumption that other people should just know what you want without you telling them, if they truly love you. However, people are not mind readers. They can only ever see things from their own perspective if you haven’t expressed your own needs before. If you can’t ask for what you need, this creates a culture of co-dependency. You give and give, never asking for anything back and the sense of neglect grows on the back of increasing passive-aggressive behavior.  All of which can be avoided by speaking up. 

Check your stance - you can give off all sorts of messages through body language. This can be either ‘closed’ (folded arms, defensive posture, hunched shoulders, not making eye contact) or ‘open’ (uncrossed arms/legs, standing or sitting comfortably, making eye contact, not covering your mouth with your hand, etc.). In adopting a closed position, we can be encouraging others to disengage with us. 

Being too full-on. Maybe you can speak a bit harshly or intensely, and have never learned how to talk about issues in a gentler manner. It’s important to learn that people come to communicate from different perspectives, and understanding how other people filter things can go a long way to better communication.

If you struggle to understand how and why people think and do what they do, or if any of the points raised strike a chord and you feel that this comes from deep-rooted issues, working with a counselor or therapist can help.