Have you tried to communicate your point and it seems you are getting nowhere? Perhaps it’s time to look at the WHY you are communicating, not just the how and what. Might you be communicating to control a situation, or to connect with the other person?

Many people can fall into patterns of communication to make sure they get what they want. This becomes manipulative as they feel that only their desired outcome is the right one - everyone else is wrong. Fear can also be a motivator for some people, as they don’t want others to make theme look bad.

Regardless of the tactic, the motivation is one of control. And control doesn’t produce authentic communication or healthy conversations. It may feel beneficial in the short term, but controlling strategies soon challenge the strongest relationships and crushes respect and trust.

We can believe that we are well-intentioned, but other people aren’t.  This can be rooted in childhood and other negative experiences where people have been untrustworthy. However, if we believe ourselves to mean well, can we also not extend that grace to other people? If we enter into communication with a judgemental attitude, that will inform our belief, and make us doubt the intentions of others. Enter into the conversation with an open mind. 

If you really want to connect with others, this involves a level of vulnerability. When we share our thoughts and feelings, it tends to encourage others to do the same, and strengthens connection. Be open to one another, be willing to hear what each other wants to say - even if they struggle to be clear, reflect their words back to them until you both have clarity. 

Defensiveness never encourages openness.

We have expectations and needs that we perhaps haven’t communicated - If we haven’t been clear about our expectations, then how will anyone know if they’ve crossed that line? It is important to be clear about what we want, if those expectations are realistic, and if we’ve communicated in an understood way. 

Recognize the work put in by the other person, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. Be connecting rather than controlling.

Connection is based on communication where to come to know the other person better, empathise and understand them. Control never establishes a connection, as neither person will be comfortable enough to be truly open. 

Taking time to make connection with others won’t only improve your communication, it will also improve the quality of your relationships.