It’s normal and expected that over the duration of a relationship, all couples will have points of conflict. When love is new, we tend to disagree less, as we tend to be focused on the other person seeing the ‘best version’ of ourselves. We may also worry that the whole relationship will deteriorate or things will be irreparably damaged.

However, considering all conflict as ‘bad’ is mis-thinking. 

In a lot of instances, conflict is needed to understand one another better, to respect views and to fully appreciate each other’s feelings. 

The key ingredient here is RESPECT. If this is missing from any argument, then conflict will be destructive and lead to a hostile relationship. 

Even strong couples fight - with respect. This enables each person to bounce back and for the relationship to continue with health. 

Most (not all!) people aren’t usually spoiling for a fight, but sometimes we feel the heat rising and we NEED to get our point across, or defend ourselves from what our partner is saying. It can lead to a heightened belief that the other person is stubborn and sensitive - guess what? In those moments of conflict, they are probably thinking the same about us.  

When confronted with conflict we regularly revert to form; behaving in a manner consistent with how we have handled conflict in the past. Often, how we deal with conflict comes from our family behavior and how conflict was dealt with throughout our informative years. Very quickly, we can experience a “behavioral throwback” and revert to the defensive, aggressive, blaming or avoidant responses from our childhood. 

Regardless of our childhood/adolescent patterns of behavior, as an adult we have to choose our reactions and acknowledge that they may not work or be healthy. We have to own our part in the conflict. A lot of arguments aren’t over big things, but the everyday slights and perceived inequity of chores, for example.  Acknowledge your slip-up and recognise your partner’s feelings, then make steps to rectify it. 

Think of times when you’ve handled conflict badly, talk to your partner and show that you own your part of it, and how you intend to handle it differently next time. This is about your behavior, not theirs, so try to avoid language that could be construed as blaming or accusatory. This is how we grow.