What makes a good friend? Are there specific traits and habits that make someone a better companion than others? Is it down to complementary personality types, or are there learned habits that make us a better friend?

It’s often said that people know us by the company we keep - does that mean that all of our friends have to agree and be interested in exactly the same things in the same way, or can friendships be built in different ways with diverse people? 

It can be very important to have a good friend, but with the ‘loneliness epidemic’ that we seem to be experiencing, there are many people stating that they don’t have a close friend and haven’t for a long time. So what can we do? Before placing expectation on others to be friendly, it can also help to examine ourselves and see if we are the kind of person we’d want to be friends with.

Some friendships are transitional, of course. We learn, we grow, some friendships serve a particular period of time. And sadly, some of us move on from those friendships while others find it a bit harder to let go when the relationship has run it’s course. 

There are some key areas worth examining to see if we can fulfil the friendship remit!

Be there - some people will be ‘fairweather friends’ - only around when things are upbeat, there is a party, when things are good.  As soon as live throws a curveball, they are nowhere to be seen. They don’t want to deal with loss, sadness or loss of fun. However, a good friend will be there in good times and bad, to support and encourage. 

Be kind, listen and THEN say - Everyone needs compassion and kindness from friends, but that doesn’t mean you should mindlessly flatter.  Good friends mention any concerns and challenge certain behaviors, but in a kind and polite way. Don’t lecture. Don’t boss. Discuss issues when they arise and be honest. Examine your own agenda in raising the point in the first place.  If a friend asks for advice, do it in a way that doesn’t bring shame or humiliation. Being hypercritical will make your friend less likely to talk to you about anything. It may also be the case that your friend doesn’t act on the advice you give, so you need to be prepared to deal with your own feelings about that. 

Give your friend opportunities to put things in their own terms, and try to see the situation through their eyes.

Don’t begrudge & don’t be jealous. We can all disagree and have minor fall-outs. You won’t always be on the same page as your friend, and this can make things a bit rocky. This is normal in relationships, but be careful not to let little niggles escalate into major irreparable splits.  Cool down, let grudges go, and talk to each other. Good friendships take effort to reconnect and stay connected. A surprising number of friendships break down over minor things that are allowed to snowball. 

Maybe you observe that your friend has things that you’ve only dreamed of - a good job, happy relationships, a nice house etc., and if you allow your feelings of lack grow, so will your seed of resentment and envy. While it’s ok to have aspirations for similar things, if you let jealousy lead, it will kill your friendship and hurt your wellbeing. Good friends are happy for each other and celebrate their success. If you feel that you can’t be happy for them, it would be helpful to examine those feelings and your own sense of unhappiness. Would you want your friend to be happy for you if the show was on the other foot?

Nothing good comes from negativity, except sabotage and competition. If you feel negative thoughts entering your head, try to replace it with a good thought instead. Think of times when your friend was supportive and helpful to you. 

Your idea of fun may be vastly different to your friend,  it that doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t viable. There may be a point of meeting in the middle. Don’t expect them to radically change their mindset and what gives them pleasure to fit into your life, let them enjoy life on their own terms. 

Me time - we all need time to be alone and do our own thing. It’s important to allow our friends to flourish as independent people - co-dependency, when we can’t function without a friend, is unhealthy.  Just because someone wants to do their own thing, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the relationship. Self-care is vital, and we shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for doing so.
Of course - if a friend seems to want to isolate all of the time, it might be worth checking in case they are struggling with mental health. 

A good friend encourages you to be a better version of yourself. In those downtimes where we feel a bit lonely, it can be useful to invest in yourself, learning to be a good friend so that you can uplift others and attract good friends to you.