When a child carries out a positive or a negative action, then a natural consequence follows as a logical result or said action of behavior. However, in parenting, our interpretation of ‘logical consequence’ isn’t always the same as a natural one. Sometimes parents can stretch their own logic and produce a manipulated, artificial consequence instead. 

As grownups, can we put ourselves in the position of having non-logical consequences? Imagine you want to eat healthily, but the temptation of that beautiful donut is just too strong. Now, imagine your partner or friend telling you you can’t go to that party you’ve been looking forward to at the weekend. We would be frustrated, angry and confused - it just doesn’t make any sense! So why do we expect our children (who don’t have the life experience or the full emotional development of an adult) to accept this consequence (which isn’t actually a consequence, but a punishment) willingly and without challenge? 

Children need to learn through what happens naturally as an outflow of their behaviour and actions - otherwise they will not see how we are all connected and one thing can have a knock-on effect on others.
In other words, natural consequence teaches critical thinking. 

Children learn the real cause and effect of inappropriate behavior. All of these experiences prepare them for growing towards adulthood by helping them work our what might be the potential results of their choices - without a parent stepping in to control the situation. 

Obviously, we should continue to teach our children positive behavior by modelling the Same. Of course kids don’t always listen, and that can often be a trigger for us to panic and look for solutions based on fear. This is why we can so often reach for an invented logical consequence instead of a logical one. 

You don’t put your coat on when it’s cold outside? You will get cold and/or wet - natural consequence. You can’t get an ice cream later - invented consequence.

Are we imposing consequences to save face as parents, or are we courageous enough to allow our children to grow their own values?

Consequences that are created to punish are not logical from the child’s perspective.  Suffering is not good logic, and unnatural consequence are likely to teach counterproductive life lessons. For most everyday problems, natural consequences are better at teaching the child to link their actions with the results. Obviously, we teach the likes of road and personal safety - we don’t wait for them to run into the traffic for a natural consequence to happen; however, imposing an invented consequence is like smacking a child once they have darted out in front of a car.

If we parents use rules to impose the idea of a child “do X and you’ll be punished”, the child will associate the rule with fear and control, but they won’t have a direct understanding or a link to why their behavior/action is troublesome. All they will know is that their parent doesn’t like it. At the most basic level, the child is taught an incorrect cause and effect, and this can have ongoing confusion as they try to work out how the world works. Without this understanding, it’s hard for children to grasp the meaning of consequence. At the most destructive extreme, the child can be taught a complete set of wrong values, relating to secretive behavior, broken connections or things being more important than relationship. Values inform behavior, behavior doesn’t inform values.

For example, do you rather your child pitch in with jobs around the home because:

• they love their family, acknowledge that they are part of a loving team where everyone plays a part, or

• they know if they do a chore, they will get pocket money or the return or a confiscated item, and otherwise they could care less about the people or environment that surrounds them.

  What kind of values do you want to instill in your kids?