It's important to know that while there are many forms of conflict in every day life, you may never associate shame with them. Perhaps you have been spared true shame forever. The problem with shame is that it is often so subtle that people don't realize it is affecting the relationships they have with others and how they feel about themselves. So what are we talking about when we talk about shame?

It is common for interviewers or social ice-breakers to ask candidates to describe their most embarrassing moment. Embarrassment, unlike shame, is specifically related to a particular event.

Let’s say you are carrying a tray of drinks to your friends.  Somehow, you slip and fall, spilling the drinks over a nearby stranger. 

The embarrassment is due to the outcome. The humiliation did not occur before you spilled the drinks. When you recall the incident, you may feel embarrassment or humiliation, but it's not a chronic state, and it's not something that makes you doubt your worth and your ability to cope.

If others hadn't witnessed the stumble, the incident might not have become embarrassing (though you'd likely have been more than a little dismayed if you'd ruined an expensive and messy selection of drinks alone).

Shame, though it may be triggered or intensified by a specific event or circumstance, existed regardless of whether anyone else saw it. Shame is a pervasive emotional experience that exists regardless of who witnessed it.

When someone experiences chronic shame, they believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them. Not just that they've messed up, but that they are inherently flawed.  Their reaction to the pain and shaming feelings will affect the way they interact with other people. 

If you feel shame in relation to someone or something, you might find yourself acting a certain way in an attempt to distance yourself from that person or situation.  You desire to nip shame in the bud before it has a chance to arise.  It might be an actual distance (like leaving a party early or avoiding attending at all), or a more subtle and gradual approach.

Sometimes the need to withdraw from one another is valid, maybe we need to recover from a stressful situation, or just need a bit of space to do your own thing. Those suffering from an ongoing shame pattern may find that they distance themselves more often from others than they know, and the other party may not understand, feeling they have done something very wrong. 

We need a mental "get-away" from our hectic lives, and to escape our own inner busyness; this might drive us to mindlessly watch tv or nap for a morning - both ways to temporarily withdraw from our thoughts.  As long as all of these things are an exception, not the norm, they don't signify that there is a problem. However, when we never feel comfortable enough being alone with our own thoughts and feelings, then this may point to shame being an active component of our life.

Shame is typically not something that can be removed easily, since it usually stems from a childhood response to the self and others.

Having the awareness, humility and willingness to admit that feelings of chronic shame might adversely impact our self-esteem and relationships and others may be a courageous and important way to lessen the damage that this shame can cause. Doing this may remove obstacles and help you move forward in relational health.