Some of you might see a young lady with her face turned away first, or you might spot an old lady in a headscarf first. It’s the same picture, but with two different interpretations.

The same thing can happen in our relationships - in Chinese and Japanese culture, there are similar phrases along the lines of: “even those that share the same bed will have different dreams”.  This means that you can be intimately connected with another person, but you haven’t communicated your deepest hopes and desires effectively.

We can be very good at allowing our relationships to appear far better to the outside onlooker than in reality, a kind of emotional smoke-and-mirrors. A relationship can contain the factors that we consider our most intimate, but lack a basic connection or shared worldview. What one of us feels is comfort, another can see stagnation. Our views on “success” can wildly differ. What we think we want can veer away from each other. Same bed, different dreams. 

Maybe you’ve been fed a fairytale view of “happy ever after”, or were raised in an acrimonious environment, both of which can color your view of relationships and life in general. Your expectations can be baseline low or sky-high, and everything in between. 

You can be in the same relationship, but with different measuring sticks. 

Stability.......deadweight.

Grounded.......run aground.

Settled.......boring. 

Raises me up........holds me back.

Safe.........stuck.

Same relationship, different experiences. 

Depending where on the planet you are, you may have had varying experiences with lockdown and children learning at home. At the time of writing, where I live is back in lockdown, and schools are closed. I’m a bit of a ‘word geek’, I love a bit of linguistic chat and my poor daughter is the recipient of most of it! We were discussing autoantonyms - how a word can mean 2 opposite things; e.g. ‘fast’ can be to move rapidly, or to hold tight. 

Same word, different intent. 

Our relationships can hold the same paradox. We may not intend to damage each other, but if our hopes and dreams remain unspoken, and if we just make assumptions that we are in pursuit of the same things, life can throw in some pretty unexpected curve balls. 

Have your dreams changed?  Were they ambitious to start with?  How influenced have you been by unrealistic expectations (from other people, movies, media, culture etc.)?

Do you expect your partner to complete you or fulfil a need?

No doubt, relationships take a lot of hard work.  The road of trust and commitment doesn’t always run smoothly. 

Your individual goals are no better or worse than the other person. As long as you place your expectations on one side of the scales, and your ability to trust and invest in the relationship on the other side, try to balance them, then just maybe those relationships will be a bit more satisfying.