How we communicate can cause a lot of disagreement and distance if we lack good skills, but with improvement they can help to provide stronger foundations for healthier relationships through shared understanding and freedom to express our thoughts. Let’s go back to basics and make sure our communication is as uncomplicated as possible, even if the topic we need to communicate is complicated. 

Listen Up: We often think we are listening to others, but in reality, we’re just thinking about what we are going to say when there’s a pause in the conversation. And those pauses? They’re ok. Silence can often feel uncomfortable if we are used to a barrage of information in our everyday- but we need time to process (some of us more than others).  If you are a “think ahead” person, pay attention to that habit.  The best communication is both ways, and if your natural tendency is to jump in, try really listening instead. Don’t butt in or get annoyed - REALLY LISTEN. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure what you’ve heard is what they mean. This will help you dig deep in understanding, and also make the other person more willing to listen to you. 

On Point: It’s so easy to refer back to past issues and points of conflict while dealing with current sticking points. When we come together in conflict, especially if it’s not something we do healthily or willingly, we can view it as an opportunity to air every conflict from the past that we feel may relate to the issue at hand. It may feel good to “get it all out”,  but dealing with all these disparate threads usually ends up in a mess, and the current point of conflict doesn’t get addressed at all. If you feel like bringing past issues up, shelve them for now. It’s not that you are ignoring them, just putting them aside for their own conversation. Stay on topic, stay present and stay focused on discovering a solution for what is happening right now.

Own It: We may not always have the best examples in the public forum, but admitting personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. It’s healthy to admit when you’ve made mistakes. Sharing responsibility during a conflict is a sign of maturity - admit to your own part, don’t go into blame mode or ‘whataboutery’, and help diffuse the situation as you look for a situation.

Hello from the Other Side: We all have a basic need to feel understood, and are keen to express our point so that the other person can be convinced to see things the way we do. If all we want to do is talk about us, though, this can have a negative effect. We never hear the other person’s point of view, they don’t really listen to ours, and no-one feels heard or understood. Attempt to hear the other side, and this will give room for you to express yours. If you truly don’t understand, reflect back with questions until you do. 

Empathize with Criticism:  Criticism stings. When we hear it, the hurt can get our backs up and we are put on the defensive. Our automatic reaction is to tell them that they are mistaken and why they are wrong. It’s difficult to hear as it often comes from a place of pain and deep emotions. However, it’s important to give space for the other person to express how they feel, and to respond empathetically. Their criticism may contain kernels of truth that you need to acknowledge and work on.

‘I’ Statements: Instead of telling the other person “you made a mistake” or “you made things hard for me”, speak with ‘I’ statements instead. Own your feelings and what you want to say, make it about you. “I felt frustrated when you were late.” “I felt hurt when you interrupted me, it felt like my feelings were invalidated.” It moves your conflict from a place of accusation and defensiveness, and communicates your point without the other person feeling attacked.

Compromise: It’s not about winning an argument, and if it is, then it’s worth taking a step back and self-reflection into why winning is so important to you. Healthy communication looks for solutions, not ‘wins’.  Compromise or a different approach may produce a better solution for both parties in the end, and most importantly, mean that your relationship isn’t at the expense of the other person.

Hit pause: You’re not a robot - anger flares up, temper spills out and the discussion can quickly degenerate into a verbal punch-up. If you feel the conversation is starting to slide that way and emotions are too raised to pull it back, it’s ok to put your hands up and hit pause. Sometimes you are both too angry, or you start returning to destructive communication patterns.  Take a break to cool off, for as long as feels beneficial for the both of you.

Keep Going:  It’s not a matter of ignoring the issues, you do still need to return to the conversation, but taking time to process and revisit can be massively helpful. If both parties have the mindset that it will be a constructive time when you revisit the issue, and you talk to each other with respect, the goal you are reaching for will be that bit easier to attain.

Seek Help:  If it’s too difficult to stay on topic (for either or both of you) without adopting those destructive communication patterns, or the situation isn’t improving, you may need to seek professional help. A counselor can help with conflict skills and resolutions, either individually or as a couple.