My child has selective hearing.”

“It’s like they hear everything they shouldn’t, but ignore what they should.”

“I’ve told them a million times not to do it, and they still do the wrong thing!!”

Why do you think this might be? Could it be that as parents we tend to talk far too much, expect an adult response from a child, or maybe don’t present a good role model when it comes to listening ourselves? Parents do a lot of telling kids what to do, and a lot less asking and then listening to their responses. I get it, when we are tired, busy, trying to keep everyone on an even keel, we run out of patience and issuing commands feels a lot more efficient. It generally falls into this kind of structure, though the words can be different:

Parent: “You dropped the bottle of milk and it spilled all over the floor.” (you’ve told the child what happened)

“You weren’t paying attention, and you tripped over your bag that you didn’t pick up after school.” (what caused it to happen)

“I’ve told you before to put your things away in case you have an accident. You never listen and now look at the mess you’ve made! I’m tired of picking up after you. They house is a pigsty!” (You’re telling the child what they should feel - they don’t listen/they are messy/they cause you inconvenience)

“Go to your room. You can’t have any milk now.” (what your child can do as a result of what has happened)

Maybe your child will cry, storm off, argue back or silently rage against you until a similar scenario happens, and the cycle of TELLING starts again. 

It’s true. Children don’t listen to a stream of being told the whole what/why/how to feel/consequence list. If the consequence is unrelated to what has just happened, this decreases their likelihood of listening even more. The ground has now been set for a power struggle - if this is what is being played out in our homes, then we need to look at our part as parents in creating this struggle. They will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to, not in the process of being told what to do. 

If we could help our kids explore and contemplate the consequences for themselves, instead of rubber stamping it as an adult imposition; invite them to think and figure out their mistakes and stuff-ups and to focus on what they think should be the natural consequence - this will develop a life skill where our children can figure out answers instead of just getting the consequence out of the way and blithely carrying on. Only handing out consequence (or in its most negative form, a punishment) is inadequate in changing how a child thinks, feels or behaves in the long term. And we want solution-focused kids instead of punishment-avoidant ones, don’t we?

It is much more respectful and encouraging when we ask what happened, what the child thinks caused it, how the child feels about it, what the child has learned, what ideas the child has to solve the problem, or how the child can use what she has learned in the future. We are our child’s first and main educator - the word comes from the Latin educare, to “draw forth”. Maybe we sometimes fall into the trap of wanting to stuff our kids full of knowledge, how to be, how to behave, what to do, how to feel...we fill them to the brim of what we as parents want, instead of truly and patiently “drawing forth” what a child has inside of them already. Children are inherently curious and natural learners. It might not be what we want to overwhelmingly stuff them full of, however.

We can learn from our own mistakes, each one is a new opportunity.

When the temptation arises inside of you to panic or lecture and tell your child all about their error, perhaps try asking what are known as “curiosity questions”; some general ones are:

• What did you hope to achieve when this happened?

• What are you feeling about what happened?

• Do you think you can learn something from this? Can you tell me? How can you use what you learned now in the future?

• How do we solve this right now?

What needs to happen is to step into the child’s world and thought process. There is no “Why did this happen?” as this usually invites a defensive shrug (on the same note, it’s important to watch your tone with any question as it may come across as accusatory.) "Why?" does work only when your child feels like you’re really interested in their viewpoint.

It’s important to not have an agenda. You aren’t entering into your child’s world in order to manipulate or make them feel bad. You need to express genuine curiosity and ask questions that encourage your child to think and look for solutions. When your feel your blood boiling it is not the best time to ask these questions, wait until you are de-escalated and both calmer. Be wise and show empathy and understanding when asking your child these questions - show grace. 

It may feel like a difficult path when shaping and encouraging a child’s character, but it truly does take just as much time to lecture, scold, punish, be angry, etc. as it does to teach new skills and habits. It’s a long-term process, but bit by bit, new templates and patterns will begin to form, and this new way of dealing with problems will become natural. Be kind to yourself. We all get overwhelmed and want to respond off the cuff out of emotions sometimes.

When the solution to a problem come from the children, either alone or in discussion with you as a parent, and they discover the most useful and helpful answer - they learn that they have a contribution to make to family life, able to make good decisions. AND it’s more likely to stick. Not always, but more often. 

Children learn that mistakes aren’t horrible, and so do you as a parent.  Don’t be too hard on yourselves about them and remember that mistakes are the greatest opportunities to learn.