From birth, children develop empathy and can be taught compassion. In teaching our children, we have to be very careful not to fall into the trap of “doing what I say, not as I do” - kids learn by imitating the emotions they see in their caregivers. If these emotions are positive and full of compassion and empathy, this is what they will mirror in their own actions. 

By early toddlerhood*, children usually want to engage and offer assistance. Encouraging this willingness helps to reinforce it, and telling the child that it is kind also helps in linking the action with compassion and the effect it has on others. 

Children then develop awareness that how they feel can be different to the feelings others, and this usually happens in tandem with language development. The more words a child can use to describe their feelings and those of other people, the more language they will also have in their arsenal to talk about empathy and compassion. 

As they grow, a child should understand more fully that another person’s feelings may not necessarily be based in current situations, but around how they envisage life as a whole.  For some children, the ‘inner sense of justice’ can be a huge deal, and this can spill into wanting to campaign and stand up for others who are oppressed. As parents, we need to help our children manage these feelings too, and ensure that they don’t become overwhelmed and suffer compassion fatigue and a sense of useless. 

It’s important that we help children learn age-appropriately, and encourage them to come to their own understanding about issues. The temptation to over share and expect our children to care about the same things as us is always a risk factor. 

Showing them how to help others is so much more effective than telling them. If you are a constantly critical and negative person, your child will be the same - we can’t then expect them to share and be generous.
Your attitudes are the first things to be internalised by your child. 

Children show compassion and kindness in different ways and using different strengths.  Pay attention to the moments when they:

1. Listens to another and responds in a way that shows they were paying attention (active listening).

2. Understands privacy and doesn’t gossip (unless it’s to say something good about another person).

3. Actively seeks out ways to help.

4. Do nice things for others without anticipating a reward.

5. Encourages others.

In the same way expressions of compassion can differ, so can the experience and acceptance of compassion vary. Everyone is unique, from the person who would love a hug, to the person that flourishes with kind words, or someone that really appreciates a kind, thoughtful act that shows you understand them.  The type of compassion needed can also differ depending on the situation. It’s important that as our children grow, they appreciate this nuance as they learn in real life. 

Model, model, model. If we have any influence in a child’s life, we need to be aware that they see how we behave - this informs their values, how they seek approval, and how they think about themselves and treat others. If they can see us digging deep in tough times and still showing compassion, they will continue to develop this skill in their own lives.

*note: for the purposes of this blog post, mentions of a child age are guidelines and not goalposts. All children are unique, and these timeframes may differ.