There are only two major things that bother us in life: people and things. 

Really, almost everything can disturb our equilibrium and peace of mind, especially in relationships. We tend to react and blame the other person for causing us pain or putting us in a negative situation, and by seeing them as the root of our anxiety, we then try to fix them in order to fix our happiness. If we are happy, the situation will be right, and we will not be bothered.  Right?

Wrong. Of course, some people and some events can cause us suffering. We are human, we hurt and we impact each other. It’s normal to want to change a situation that makes us unhappy. We need to adapt and take agency for our lives. Still, we cannot make another person want to change. 

So if it turns out that we cannot change other people, does that mean we are stuck in an endless loop of blaming and fixing? Is there another approach?  How do we escape from a blame-fix-blame routine on repeat? 

It feels counter-intuitive, but breaking that cycle works best when we turn our attention off the relationship sticking-point that is causing us issues, and instead of blaming or fixing THEM, we examine ourselves. 

Before you start to feel anxious that self-examination is only there to find out how YOU are to blame for your own suffering....stop. That would be a false assumption. Examining yourself isn’t about shame or blame, or uncovering your “wrongness”. When we look inwards, we are looking for triggers. 

• WHY is this situation/conversation/person triggering a reaction?

• WHAT reaction is it triggering?

• CAN I identify the type of pain rising up within me when I experience this situation or behavior?

You cannot control how other people act, nor can you make them want to grow or change. What you CAN do is turn that focus inwards, and be inquisitive about what makes you tick. When you look at yourself, you aren’t shifting the blame or accepting any behavior that causes you pain.

However, if you can name it, understand it, process it, figure out why it triggers a strong response in you, and then treat yourself with kindness and compassion once you have realised what is behind your triggers, then it becomes easier to deal with a situation more clearly, with other people empathetically, and for those necessary conversations to be less painful.