So maybe you feel that you’re ok at communicating - you can make yourself understood, and you’ve not had any negative feedback. Is there any point in wanting to be better at it?

Of course! We’ve talked about non-verbal communication and its importance on this blog before; it is more than passing on thoughts and facts. Good communication in relationships, be they friendship or more intimate, can say WHO and WHAT we are. If we are just going through the process and not being open and honest, our words don’t convince us, nor do they make us feel safe or trustworthy to others. Communication is the basis of all relationships.

It permits you to express your needs to one another, and what you are currently feeling and sensing. When it goes well, you feel well, and are encouraged that your relationship is healthy, too, because your interactions are helpful and positive.

Maybe what you perceive as your skill at getting your point across might actually be an example of miscommunication: you and I have our own agenda and life experience, and your meaning of words might differ to mine. Just because we use the same words, we mightn’t necessarily be on the same page.

Effective communication is all about valuing the other person and being respectful. Not all of it is easy and smooth - there may be heightened emotions, the influence of past hurts and misunderstandings to work through before any form of resolution; searching for understanding has to be a priority to help you push through those barriers.

The more we learn to communicate well, the easier it should be to keep going.

Sometimes issues are complex and too big to handle in one go. Be realistic that it will take time, and possibly multiple revisits. If it’s important, don’t try to squeeze it in when you are both tired, hungry or busy - carve a space out for you both to deal with the matter.

Sometimes we just go all in, spoiling for a fight over an issue, and it soon becomes clear that it’s not about that thing; but it has become the trigger point for more deeply buried matters. It’s ok to take a breath and change track, but with clarity and openness - let the other person know that you need to talk about what’s really bothering you instead. Again, this may be a conversation to arrange when you have more time if it’s important.

Other times, you realise that actually it’s not that important - you may need to let it go - you don’t always have to be right (and you won’t be!)