As a couple, it’s good to laugh together and enjoy having fun with each other. Embracing silliness and playfulness at every stage of our relationships can alleviate stress and bring us closer. Part of this lightheartedness can include a form of teasing, especially when around other people.

However, teasing can cross a line if we aren’t mindful about it. If one person thinks they are having a joke, but in doing so makes the other person feel hurt or belittled, then things have gone into a negative area. As the saying goes, if it’s only fun for one of you and not the other, then it’s not fun at all.

How can teasing damage your relationships?

You can be among other friends, family members or work colleagues, and they may all perceive your comments as normal banter and playful behavior, but what if they are actually witnessing one of many times where you are belittling your partner, making them appear foolish in front of others?
Are you doing it unaware how your partner really feels about it? In which case, a respectful conversation needs to be had in which they can express how it makes them feel, and for you to truly listen.

If you are doing it intentionally because you want to ‘point score’ or to wound them, then your relationship needs deeper help. Behaviors and comments that you make in public need to be considered in light of whether you’d say them at home without an audience.

Even if the other person laughs about your behavior, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily ok with it, but rather choose to hide their feelings and somehow save face. Being told “you’re just too sensitive” is neither helpful or productive.
If you yourself feel a negative response when your partner is being playful, it can be useful to self-reflect about your own feelings of defensiveness and why they occur - however that is your own call and not something your partner can pin on you.

It is not ok to try to make yourself look superior or funnier at the expense of others, even more so with someone you are meant to cherish. This can happen often in relationships and completely wrecks passion and connection, and ultimately any love.

Couples with happy relationships tease as a way to boost their spouse publically, as a kind of complimentary subtext: “Joe keeps baking cakes, I swear if our neighbors left their kitchen door open they’d come home to a full afternoon tea!” - the underlying meaning is how generous and skilled Joe must be

In unhappy relationships, the subtext is very different: “Joe keeps baking cakes and is also keeping my dentist in work!” - meaning that Joe is an awful baker who doesn’t realise how bad they are. This can be quite a cowardly way to hurt your partner.

There may be occasions where you need to discuss and clarify a few important things, but people who correct others on unimportant facts are irritating and uncomfortable to be around. Nothing shuts your partner down quicker than when they feel you are going to pick on everything they say.

Find conversation skills that bring you and your partner closer, rather than those that make them and everyone else around you leave you on your own. Look to see if there are other, better ways to express humor and playfulness without it being directed at someone else.

Focusing on your partner and what you are able to do to make them feel secure, safe and loved is vital to the success of any couple and helping your relationship grow. It’s good to know that your partner truly has your back, through anything.