When we enter into relationships as adults, they are informed by our childhood experiences and repeated patterns of behavior that we’ve exhibited since our early years. We can do things, consciously or unconsciously, that reinforce our beliefs, and also invite others to behave in particular negative ways without realising it.

For example, if weren’t allowed to make our own decisions as a child, we can tend to gravitate towards relationships where we don’t make any hard choices, and rely on our partner to lead everything. Certain things can become ‘normal’ because we are conditioned to accept them, when they are, in fact, toxic and dysfunctional.

We can also have a series of intimate relationships in our life, and the end of one is an ideal opportunity to address our behavior patterns and attempt to eliminate the negative ones.

Look back on past relationships - try to remain dispassionate and consider what went wrong. Be honest about your own role in it’s disintegration. Acknowledge whether your expectations were realistic, what you needed from the other person that they couldn’t provide, and vice versa.

Think about what you want from future relationships - not just intimate ones, but also in friendship or professional groupings. Work on what you might need to change in your own behavior to attain those relationships goals. If your needs are repeatedly unmet, what can you do to get closer to fulfilling them?

What about your childhood? What has informed your feelings and concept of self? Try to join the dots between your experiences as a child and your behavior today. Are you stuck in repeated negative cycles? Is how you were treated years ago still dictating to you and making you accept things you shouldn’t, or shy aware from intimacy and trust?

Communication is key. When you are in a relationship, it’s important to be honest and talk about previous experiences - and how you want this new one to be different.

Old habits and behaviors are deeply engrained; we have been doing them for most of our lives after all. Be mindful of your thoughts and actions, in doing so, you’ll be able to check yourself before you slip back into old cycles. If things start to feel uncomfortably familiar in your relationship, take a moment to reflect on your behavior, your concept of your partner, and whether your responses are due to reacting to past negative experiences, or to a current real situation.

Being able to tell the difference between past hurts and current events is important.

If you are struggling to deal with what has been your previous experience of relationship, it may be beneficial to seek professional support in working through what is holding you back.