RELATIONSHIP TUESDAY: I’ve Got The Power
/Ah, new love. The early stage of our relationship is relatively easy because we are usually swept by attraction, lust and oxytocin. We are also happy to forfeit our opinion for the sake of making the other person happy and to keep them engaged. During the honeymoon phase, we are not worried about compromising due to the excitement associated with falling in love.
Go forward in time, and you maybe aren't feeling appreciated in your relationship and/or cannot feel equal within it. You may be struggling to communicate or your respect for one another is diminishing. It may feel like the person you once loved is far away.
Apparently, you two have a power struggle going on.
Even though you might not know it, most of the fights over little things you both enter into are just an attempt to get your voices heard and respected, to validate your feelings, or to be acknowledged and appreciated. It is common to get stuck on the cycle of "who did what" rather than communicate our most vulnerable need to feel seen as an individual within the couple. Sometimes, we become so frustrated because things have changed over time, and we resent our partners for it.
How can we tell if we are potentially stuck in a power struggle as a couple? Here are a few (non-exclusive) ways:
It is easy for you and/or your partner to argue about your (subjective) experiences as being true or objective.
Feelings of defiance slowly build inside of both of you.
Passive aggressive comments made by you and/or your partner are often described as ‘I’m just joking”. You often feel "I’m in trouble" with each other for whatever reason, and this increases the overall tension between you.
Withholding support or refraining from helping each other is an intentional action to “teach a lesson”.
Because you/your partner make more money, you feel entitled to have more decision-making powers.
Both of you talk down to each other and diminish each other’s needs, either consciously or unawares.
There can often be power struggles in a relationship, but catching them early will help you both come up with a constructive way and a plan to address them. Sometimes a person feels unheard in a relationship, so it makes sense for them to have power struggles. Talking calmly to each other can sometimes resolve the problem. Often, power struggles can stem from years of anger and resentment built up over years, and they may require more time and resources to resolve.
Regardless of what factors lead to the negative behaviors, a good counsellor or therapist can be a great idea to help you both circuit-break the power cycle permanently.
