RELATIONSHIP TUESDAY: Going The Distance
/At the start of a relationship, people tend to be on their best behavior. However, over time, some issues and differences may become more noticeable. The temptation is to argue and not resolve these issues, or even to ignore them - both approaches will only make matters worse. What are some of the problems that exist in a relationship? This is not an exclusive list, but hopefully one that can provide a springboard for discussion.
Sexual. This might refer to the amount of sex you have or want, but not necessarily. The beliefs each person holds about sex and intimacy can be far more important and influential in a relationship. Maybe there has been a loss of libido and desire. It’s funny how we can be open to sex but not open to talk about it! In a relationship, talking about it is just as important - to agree on the amount of sex and the ‘nuts and bolts’ of intimate acts. Also, sex is a component part of a healthy relationship, but it may not be a main part - if you are both ok with that, it is not a problem, but don’t put off discussing any intimate interaction that you’re not happy with, either with each other or involving a therapist.
Growing older, growing apart or together? What floats your boat and makes life worthwhile can change for an individual over time. Maybe you once shared and interest but one of you doesn’t or can’t enjoy it any more. Or your views on politics have changed, for example. However, it is important to find some common ground and to keep communicating with each other. It can be frustrating if your partner doesn’t share your passions, but it’s necessary to make sure you don’t end up living completely separate lives. Find something that is important to you both, and work from there.
Money, money, money. Financial stress is a major factor in relationship breakdowns. Differing opinions on spending and what is a priority can cause fractures so it’s vital to be on the same page with finances, regardless of who earns what and how much. Couples need to establish common financial goals and create a budget that is both achievable and realistic. Don’t keep secrets about debt.
Life trauma and stress. Whether it be chronic or sudden life-changing illness, the loss of a loved one, or something that has dramatically pulled the rug from underneath your life, these evens have a huge impact on your relationships, current and future. Maybe your partner is in pain, and you are finding it difficult to deal with. If you are struggling please seek help, as you might need a professional to walk you through recovery and living with the trauma.
Everyday stress is normal, but each person in a relationship may deal with that stress differently. How you deal with it while staying connected makes a difference to your relationship success, and whether these stressors will make or break the relationship.
Boredom. We all get bored, but if that boredom isn’t a driver for creativity, it can exacerbate other issues if either of you feel that you don’t have a shared vision for your relationship, start to lose respect for one another, or start to look for excitement in other areas that may not be necessarily healthy or beneficial.
Unfaithfulness, jealousy and lack of trust. A certain degree of jealousy in a relationship is usually present, but if this becomes a big issue of tension and control, and creates a sense of fear or codependency, this is a red flag which needs help.
Infidelity can range from emotional connection with another person outside of your relationship, to full-blown physical affairs. It’s generally a symptom of something bigger, and is related to trust and respect.
While unfaithfulness is a big cause of trust issues, it’s not the only one. Maybe a breakdown in trust has been caused by financial secrets, previous experiences, or situations where the other partner has caused you to feel betrayed. When trust has been broken, it is incredibly difficult to regain. It takes a lot of effort to change and show integrity from the one who caused the betrayal, and grace and faith from the one who was hurt.
Respect, boundaries, and unrealistic expectations. If someone acts in a disrespectful way when you first meet, it’s unlikely that this will improve over time. If your gut tells you something isn’t right, for example, how they treat a server, or an animal, or how they talk about other people from a different socio-economic, religious or ethnic background, pay attention to that gut feeling.
We want to love and be loved, but it is important to recognize your own needs first, and to have healthy boundaries. Unexpressed relationship boundaries lead to resentment or worse. If you establish good boundaries, you'll have a better chance of your relationship being healthy. Know what you will and won’t accept.
At the start of a relationship we can have a fairytale view of what it will be like, and have expectations of being made whole by their other person (I’m pointing at you, Jerry Maguire!). This puts enormous pressure on your partner to meet your every emotional, psychological and social need - if this is your view of relationships, you will soon find disappointment setting in. It’s essential to develop realistic expectations of one another.
If you are feeling that you are disconnected and misunderstanding one another, it’s important to pause and bring it to the table. Conflict is not a bad thing if it is healthy and productive. Dealing with relationship differences or acknowledging that you need help is vital for preventing a problem turning toxic.
