Self-care is really the ability to trust yourself.

Seeing a need you have and finding the resources to meet that need is the radical and most fundamental work of self-care.

Let’s take some time to demystify a few frequent cliches out there that tend to emerge as obstacles between met and unmet needs and then more boldly establish what we can do to mobilize self-trust in the form of self-care.

MYTH 1: SELF-CARE IS SELFISH

When people say “self-care is selfish,” it may come from various places for themselves. For some, it may be said with good intent but is their own trauma response signifying it is unsafe to identify your own needs because the needs will remain unseen or unmet. For others, it can be the fear of the either/or mindset in that their own needs won’t get met if your needs are met. It can also be an overly spiritualized response that self-care is the opposite of self-denial and therefore anti-spiritual and should be avoided at all cost.

MYTH 2: SELF-CARE IS SELF-INDULGENT

Self-care can also be characterized as self-indulgent and is focusing too much on the self while neglecting the others around you in need. Too often, this moves to the other extreme and forces the idea that self-neglect is better for relationships and community. However, this rigid mindset can foster deep resentment and distrust in relationships. If one partner feels self-neglect is priority, when the other partner does even a small act of self care (such as going to the gym after work or buying new body wash), this is seen as a breech of trust, and over time, resentment begins to build. The neglect of self also cultivates a long term distrust of our own perceptions of what our needs really are and whether or not we truly have the resources in our grasp to meet those needs.

SO, HOW CAN WE SHIFT THE MINDSET AND BEGIN TO DEVELOP SELF-TRUST IN THE RADICAL ACT OF SELF-CARE?

As you look at your day or notice your own emotions or physical sensations. It’s as simple as saying a feeling out loud. “I am sore today” or “I feel blue” or “I have so much to do - I feel overwhelmed.”

From here, you can start to bring to mind things you may need such as, “I really need to a change of scenery today” or “I need some coffee” or “I need to get some rest” or “I need to call my friend.” Needs on their own aren’t good or bad and are not necessarily weaknesses - they are a testament to life (trees need water, animals need shelter, humans need each other). Consider Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs - a 5 tier model of human needs that are experienced from birth to death. Awareness of these needs in ourselves is a crucial element to developing self-trust.

Once you’ve identified your need, begin to identify the internal resources you have to meet the need on your own: start the water in the shower, plan to go into the yard more often or drive to the park, maybe even plan a road trip. You can put in a reminder in your phone when to start your bedtime routine to get better rest, and you can go make or grab a cup of coffee. These internal resources can also mean addressing the unmet need, “I’ve been through tough times like this before with little sleep. I know I survived then and can do it again,” and now is the time to consider the resources around you.

So, as you’ve surveyed your internal resources, it’s time to bring to mind the other external resources that may help. If you need to get your hair done, yes, you can budget and schedule the appointment (internal resources), but you may also need to arrange childcare and ask a friend or family member for help (external resources). If you need quiet time during your hair appointment, you can let the stylist know you’re hoping for a relaxing and quiet experience and that you won’t be talking (external resources). There are many ways we can express our needs to others and request their help or understanding.

Self-care is really the ability to trust yourself. This radical act of self-trust is knowing that you can identify your own needs and can access the resources in you and around you to help meet that need. This bold work will retrain your own mind to identify when there is a need and experience confidence that you will follow through. You will see the need. You are trustworthy to do what you can to meet that need. This is self-trust, and that is self-care.