RELATIONSHIP TUESDAY: Don’t Blame It On Me
/It’s all your fault.
Blame is the concept of making other people responsible or what happens to us. From our TVs to our newspapers, our families to our workplace, there is a lot of blame-shifting and “whataboutism/whataboutery” around.
Is there any good in blame?
Within ourselves, we have a deep-set bias. If good things happen, it’s due to our own hard work, personality and diligence. Anything that goes wrong, it’s through bad situations or someone else’s actions.
Blaming circumstance is one thing, but blaming people, especially those in close relationships when things don’t go well is another. Too much and it will damage our love lives, our families and our relationships in general.
Why do we do it?
It’s easy. If someone else is to blame, we don’t need to be held accountable.
Blame helps us put up a front, shielding others from our vulnerability and lack of empathy.
It makes you feel in control. If you accept your own part in a situation, you let go of a little control and admit you were wrong. Not only do you control the role of others, you control the narrative.
Blame gives you a doorway to express feelings that have been pent up. It can be an unhealthy mechanism to dump all your pain on another person - maybe the situation you are reacting against has little to do with the other person and everything to do with your own unmet needs.
Blame protects your own status, and makes you feel better about your position in life. It can make you feel superior and good, and the person being blamed as inferior. It’s then easy to go into ‘poor me’ mode, where you are always a victim and completely blameless. This is usually linked to ego rather than absolute fact.
Of course some people use blaming to make themselves a victim. This is really still an ego move, as when you are in ‘poor me’ mode it means you get everyone else’s attention, and are still the ‘good’ person.
Here’s what is at risk if you are stuck in the blame game:
Your own emotional growth. When you blame, you shut down, and nothing changes (except the willingness of others to be near you)
Your own power - ironically by blaming others, you render yourself powerless, always a victim and at the whim of others
Healthy empathy and dealing with feelings. If you never take personal responsibility, you deaden your own compassion. Those with narcissistic personalities are more likely to blame others.
Good relationships and being a healthy influence. Blame sidesteps communication, and without it, relationships can’t thrive. People don’t want to be around if they feel undervalued and judged all the times. Blame also spreads - if you start blaming one person in your life, it can easily happen with others like your children, your colleagues, your friends.
If you are quick to blame, it comes from a place of low self-esteem. Most chronic blamers are chronically insecure. It is important to ask yourself ‘what do I dislike about myself so much that makes me blame others in order to feel better?’
Instead of blaming, begin working on your self-esteem. The more you love yourself, the more you can take responsibility for your own actions. Humans are not infallible, we all make mistakes - if you are open to the fact you can make errors and forgive yourself for them, the more likely you can accept other people.
Even though it can be helpful to get issues off your chest, it can also be easy to be stuck in a rut, repeating the same record, but digging further and embellishing the fault of others. Soon, they bear the brunt for things that aren’t even their fault.
Stop going over the same ground, even for just one day. This may be enough to get clarity on the situation, and help regain perceptual you may have been missing.
