RELATIONSHIP TUESDAY: You Don’t Own Me
/Trigger warning: some of the examples mentioned here may be areas in which you have struggled with or have experienced - bullying, eating disorders, relational abuse, childhood trauma, compulsive behavior etc.
“Control - to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate: command - showing influence over your situation or the behavior of another person.”
Someone who fears the unpredictable or believes that their voice might get lost among others can have a tendency to prove themselves by exerting control. This can become all-consuming and exhausting, leaving the person with strong control issues isolated, hurt, and at the epicentre of destroyed relationships and quality of life.
Exerting control in your relationships is generally a response to other issues - namely fear of losing control itself.
Maybe you are scared of being told what to do by others and at the mercy of their whims and decisions. Something within you kicks out against what you perceive as not being in charge - perhaps your childhood was traumatic - something happened that left you feeling vulnerable, unheard, neglected and helpless.
Why do people feel that they need to control?
This can be anything from unmet expectations, being ignored, not being allowed to feel strong feelings; or all the way up the scale to severe trauma and abandonment. Or an authority figure with strong beliefs, values of faith has acted in a way that has caused you pain. Perhaps you’ve also had experience of controlling behavior in other relationships as an adult.
You feel that you can’t trust anyone, and have been left with a personal drive and determination born out of anxiety.
The result of this is a strong desire to control things in over-the-top and and hugely unhealthy ways. The fear felt by what you’ve experienced causes you to lash out, panicking and looking for ways to regain (what you consider to be) a strong foothold and authority over situations and people.
People who struggle with control issues might find that if a situation or person is outside of their sphere of change, can also be compelled to find another external area where they can micromanage - either in their own lives or the other person.
Some examples of control:
strict rules on diet, exercise, routines, tidyness, noise and an unrealistic sense of ‘order’, for themselves and others.
Negative commentary, fault-finding, ridicule.
Isolation, neglect.
Physical, sexual and psychological pain.
In way of a partial explanation (this is not the same as an excuse for damaging behavior) - the person who inflicts the pain is also acting out of pain and inability to cope with their own experiences. They may even be unaware or unable to acknowledge that what they themselves have gone through has damaged them and their belief system.
Control can be exhibited in a multitude of ways. Maybe you try to do this, or are in relationship (either personal, familial or in other social groups) with people who try to exert their control. While not a conclusive list, this may take the form of the following:
Gaslighting behavior
Over-anxious and protective ‘helicopter’ parenting
Lying and dishonesty
Being solely responsible for financial and ‘big life’ decisions
Abuse in all it’s forms
Controlling who another person sees, spends time with or talks to
When the unhealthy drive to control is internalised, this can lead to the likes of compulsive behavior (OCD, disordered or compulsive eating, compulsive exercise), self-harm, gambling, and substance abuse/addictions.
Even in areas that on the surface seem ‘beneficial’ or productive - maybe you jump onto the ‘next big thing’ in fear that you might miss out if you don’t. Soon it becomes all-consuming and all you can talk about your think about. This can also be a sign of compulsive and controlling behavior.
If you or someone you love is showing a need to control, it may also go hand in hand with ongoing feelings of stress, anxiety, shame and a myriad of mental health concerns.
Getting professional help can enable a person to recognize their self-preservation methods and need for control; to identify the reasons and how experiences and/or trauma have informed their life choices. Discovering and addressing the source of distress and the behavior that comes out of this can bring about a healthier self and better relationships.
