The only way to build connected relationships and succeed is to trust the abilities, strengths and twists and turns in our children’s lives. However, it goes against much parenting belief to trust our children. It unsettles us - surely it’s all about their trust in us, not the other way round?

Do we fully know or understand what our children should grow up to be or do? Are we appreciative of their interests, gifts or talents, or is there part of us that parents with a little fear - or an element of control if we are honest? Our role as a parent is to remove the stumbling blocks in their path, and to love and accept who they are as human being with potential so they will be able to grow into their future with confidence.

It’s not up to us to figure out what our children are ‘good’ at, this is solely their role. We need to be ok that it may not be ‘our’ gift. As we love and trust our children and realize it is not up to us to discern their talents, we learn that all they need from us is self-confidence in order to achieve their goals. This is not a matter of indulgence, rather it is making a conscious choice to not let our own ego or agenda become a stumbling block.

A child's resistance is strongest when they believe we are against them; if we criticize, blame, threaten, or lecture, they will struggle to trust that we understand and accept them. To succeed, they must trust that we trust them.

The misconception in many circles is that we ought to instruct our children on how to behave in the world; while it’s right that we model responsibilities and morals for the next generation, things can get messy if we believe our child is going off track. We can feel that we need to use some form of manipulative, punitive approach to get them back onto the rails. However, who says that particular track is right? What if your child has an innovative spirit, or if their gifts lie in a direction that doesn’t fit the ‘norm’, or a standard educational track?

There is anxiety surrounding parenting as we fear that without our instruction, our children will fail…but fail at what, exactly? Think back to when you were a child - did you like your parents telling you what to do and when to do it? Do you remember for yourself a time where you felt they didn’t really understand you at all?

It is important for us to lead and guide our children. We keep them safe, and guide them in making the hard decisions they cannot make for themselves, nor should we expect them to. We need to remove the pressure to act in a grown-up mature way before they are actually mature; the demand to know better, to feel the same sense of urgency to get ready to leave the house, or the drive to do their homework, for example. Some of those demands are hard, even for adults!

They must be instilled with the confidence that the most important people in their lives want them to succeed, and they will want to please us. Believe that they want to learn and find their way. They can easily come to the conclusion there is nothing out there for them and that we, their parent, cannot be trusted when we block their way with our own agendas, criticisms, disapproval and disappointment - whether shown practically, verbally or by our body language.

A leader's role does not include proving our rightness and dismissing their feelings and thoughts in a power struggle, or by isolating, depriving or punishing. We have good intentions, but the methods we use to motivate our children can be misguided. They lead our children in the direction we fear the most, leaving them in an uncertain world where they turn to their peers for guidance and leadership, instead of us.

Be willing to listen to what they are trying to express, even (and especially) when you don't like what they are saying. Try trusting.