As you know, we talk about communication every Friday on this blog, but did you know that people not only communicate with words and action, they also tend to lean into a particular style of communication.

If we understand our own way of communication and try to learn others, it can help us appreciate what has shaped us and also why people leave us with particular impressions.

It’s important to be able to express your thoughts and feelings using honest and direct communication. You might mix your communication styles, but as a rule, you’ll fall back into one main type when stressed or in conflict. This can be influenced by how you were parented and how other influential people have informed your life.

Aggressive - this type of communicator cares more about winning at any cost, and doesn’t care who or what they leave in their wake. You may feel that your point is more important, and be of the school of though “he/she who shouts loudest, wins”. Unfortunately the style is something often witness in public life.

It’s not a healthy style of communication - messages can be lost because it provokes such a strong knee-jerk reaction, the response becomes a bigger deal than the message. Aggressive communication is frightening, confronting and hostile - it’s the language most used by bullies and those who are willing to intimidate and demand from others. These are the people who ‘get into your face’. They may get a response through fear, but they cannot get one through respect. If this is your fall-back method of communication, or if you’re on the receiving end - consider the health of your relationships.

Passive-Aggressive - calm as a swan on the surface, paddling like crazy underneath. You feel like you have little power in the relationship, so you resort to undercutting and sabotage. The snark is a real thing. There are subtle and insidious comments and actions to express your hurt and disapproval, even if it hurts yourself. You are as aggressive as the aggressive-type communicator, but this aggression is in sly, hidden, throw-away comments. You sulk, you pout, you complain. It’s the “bless your heart” style of communication. You might get what you want, but the feeling of satisfaction is short-lived, and all parties are left feeling resentful and impotent.

Submissive - you do ANYTHING to avoid conflict. What others want and need is far more important than what you want. You apologize for even asking or saying there’s a problem. You will yield to any sort of behaviour and preference, as long as you don’t raise your head above the parapet. You easily adopt victim mentality and can’t accept a compliment. Your desires are unexpressed and denied. If fact, you may be the sort of person who appears to have ‘given up’. You feel subdued, fidgety, quiet, small and grey. Others don’t know what you want and need as you never tell them - they get frustrated, and you carry on with the hurt of unmet needs as a victim.

Manipulative - there’s a lot of planning that goes into this style of communication. You know you are influential, and plan methods of control. The words you speak aren’t plain, they always have an underlying ‘other’ meaning. Manipulative communicators feel like they get away with it as other people aren’t often aware of what’s going on until later. The words may even appear peaceful, encouraging, ‘telling you how it is’, but HOW they are said and the circumstance in which they are said is part of a manipulative scheme. Nothing happens by accident in this style of communication, all the moves and possible responses have already been planned like a game of chess. These communicators are cunning, and not above using fake emotion or placing others in a situation where they find it hard to say no without losing face.

Assertive - this is usually the most effective way, but don’t get it confused with aggressive. If you are sure about what you want to communicate without resorting to insults, mind games or manipulation, and can speak with a cool head, this means you are an assertive communicator. However, this is possibly the least used style. You may not end up with the desired result, but you will have been clear about your needs and wants, and that brings its own satisfaction, as doubt and niggles will have been ironed out. You explain, you listen, you accept that the outcome might differ, and you don’t go out of your way to cause hurt or offense. This is peace-giving and peace-making communication.

Many points of stress are caused by a mismatch of communication styles. You don’t gel, things don’t seem to be resolved satisfactorily, relationships can ultimately fracture.

Good communication builds trust, respect, and a genuine feeling that the other person has your back, and you have theirs.

If you feel like you need help, as an individual or a couple, reach out for help.