ON RELATIONSHIPS: Intimacy [intentional conversations]

Sometimes we forget.

We forget what it felt like to connect with our partner.

We forget how to give the benefit of the doubt.

We forget to ask “how are you, babe?”

We forget to check in and see where we are and how far we’ve come.

In this exercise, you will work to dedicate 1hr each week to discuss your relationship in a way that makes you feel heard by fostering an intention toward each other with understanding. This gives your relationship space to have constructive conflict and each partner an opportunity to remember you are on the same team.

Before you even start, establish a few Rules of Engagement: 

1. Limit distractions:
   Silence cell phones and flip them face down or away from sight, turn off TV, step away from the computer, etc

2. Use Positive Need Statements:
   Take a moment to identify your need in what you would like to see, what you would like to accomplish, what you feel would help.
   *To override the natural human tendency to notice threat and danger, take a breath and look a bit deeper to notice what your dream is, your hope, the desire behind the need.

3. Affirm and Invite:
   -Provide an affirmation to your partner about them as an individual or about your relationship that you appreciate.
   -Invite your partner to the intimate conversation. In your own words, try something like “I’d like to take the next few minutes with you to check in and see how our relationship is doing. Will you join me? What are your best hope for the next hour?”

Now, some couples know right away what they want to talk about or address each week, but others find it helpful to have a few sample questions in mind. 

Here are a few ideas that my couples have found launched good conversations: 

• What has been going well in our relationship?

• What is better today than it was 1 month ago/a year ago?

• What over the past week has helped you feel connected/loved/honored or respected? If you didn’t feel this way, explain what you noticed and what you need.

• What do you feel is helping us become more intimate in our conversations and behaviors toward each other?

  • What seems to be getting in the way of our connecting? What do you feel we can do to notice and address our obstacles?

  • What are your needs in the relationship right now? What can I do to notice and help meet that need?

• What does your upcoming week entail? What is something specific I can do this week to help you feel loved/honored/respected?

Feel free to contact me and let me know how it goes!