PARENTING THURSDAY: Simmer Down

There have been links made connecting stress in infancy and childhood to the increased number of people with crippling levels of anxiety. While anxiety is a universal experience, we need to show our children how to feel calmer and in control of it, rather than believing it controls them.
The early years of childhood are where neural pathways are built, making brain maps. The biggest perils to the developing brain of a child are being/feeling abandoned, abuse and deprivation of needs.  However, even the constant rush and pressure of lives and the overstimulation caused by the modern world also cause rises in cortisol and lead to increased stress levels in young children during the formation of their cognitive maps. Not only this, it can mould their emotional reaction to said stressors, and shape their perceptions of their environment. 

Stress impacts the ability for children to develop patterns of self-regulation whether it be physical, emotional, social or cognitive.

Studies have expressed some concern that parenting and education is trending away from the needs of a child and more towards the demands of society, technology and academic curriculum at increasingly early years. Increased stress hormone which often comes with adrenaline makes children feel threatened, unsafe, uncomfortable, frightened, worried and unable to cope. 

If a child has an overloaded nervous system, they can show this through highly anxious behaviors, for example explosive outbursts, tantrums, crying or conversely silence and clingyness.  All are examples of distress and the child isn’t doing it to be problematic, they are showing an outward expression that they are having a hard time and not coping. 

Some things which can contribute to childhood stress are:

• Poor diets.

• Not enough sleep.

• Overstimulation from certain toys/technology/people/screens.

• Parents/caregivers who are overly anxious.

• Inappropriate and unrealistic demands and expectations.

• Educational demands that are not age-appropriate or child-centred.

• Having too much on with a jam-packed schedule.

• Lack of nurture.

• A chaotic home environment.

• Financial and situational stresses.

• Not enough time outside.

We can help children manage emotions and respond to stress better.

Slowing down ourselves as adults and dealing with our own self-regulation speaks and models volumes. Anxiety as a stress response is normal, but too much is crippling to our wellbeing, and it can also run undetected and unnoticed in children for years - unaddressed it can manifest itself in unhealthy adulthood. 

Children need a space to retreat to, a place where they can decompress and be calm. If they feel constantly unsettled and unsafe (and this doesn’t even have to be for nefarious reasons - they might be constantly disturbed by siblings or parents, or any number of the previously outlined stressors) there will be a constant increase in adrenaline and cortisol.  The fight or flight response that is useful in isolated situations becomes chronic, permanent and inescapable. A calm home is a true refuge, a space for happier and healthier children. When they are exposed to safe touch, nourishing food, fun times with the family, and being acknowledged and encouraged by parents, these things all create serotonin.

How can we all just calm down?

Well, as the saying goes - never in the history of calming down does being told to calm down make a person actually calm down!  And it’s true. 

Some techniques that may help:

• it’s ok to let out a big sigh. Children will copy you, and it’s a great release.

• A couple of deep breaths can also trigger a relaxation response.

• Have a little comfy space where your child can go to calm down and retreat, preferably with a view of nature if possible. This is not the same as a time-out naughty chair/step! This is an area your child can go to if they feel the need to feel calm for themselves; the parent can absolutely encourage it, but it is not to be used as a form of punishment.

• Parents/caregivers? You also need to model needing some time to calm down.

• Have go-slow days once in a while. No rushing to activities, technology or chores, just a day to linger, chat and enjoy low-demand time. Stay engaged with each other and appreciate each other for who you are.

• Go outdoors.

• Cook/bake together/make art - put aside perfectionism and worry about mess for a while.

• Allow yourself to be silly.

By consciously setting the scene for success in this way, every little bit helps to reduce the stress levels of our children. Positive brain chemicals reduces the level of cortisol and the mood within the home will increase with it.

Helping your kids develop good stress-reducing habits is really important. Just do one thing a day and it will make a difference.