What is kindness, and how can we teach it to our children? Explaining it is quite difficult, it’s often easier to think of examples and kindness as an action, rather than just a concept.

I asked my daughter what she thought were examples of kindness, and this is what she came up with:

“If someone gives you a bag of sweets (candy), to share them would be kind.”
”When someone drops something, or falls over, stop and lend them a hand.”
”If a person is being bullied, don’t join in or make fun of them. Try to stop the situation.”

All of these are valid in expressing kindness. However, kindness is even more than practical help and physical things. She thought even deeper on the subject and wrote down the following:

“Helping people feel like they are welcome and they belong. Not leaving them out.”
“Treating people the way you would like to be treated.”
“Caring about how the other person feels. Not doing something without caring, thinking about why and what you are doing before you do it.”
“Kindness is an example of love. Do something good for someone else, just for the sake of it - not because you want something in return.”
“Being kind to the people around you is amazing, but make sure you love yourself equally.”
”No-one else is you. And that is your superpower.”

As parents we can use the words “kind” and “nice”, believing they mean the same thing. They aren’t.

Being nice is based on the perception of others - you want them to think you are a nice person, that you are worth including and holding a particular status in society. At it’s heart, it is based in fear - worry that you won’t be acceptable or valued. Niceness is wrapped around people-pleasing, giving people what they want, while simultaneously (and hopefully) being reciprocal and giving back what you also want. Nice people can be complimentary and somewhat encouraging, but it can feel a bit shallow.

Kindness, on the other hand, doesn’t ebb and flow like conditional niceness. A kind person is always kind. It is from their very core. They aren’t trying to gain anything or score points.

Kindness comes from compassion and empathy, not desire or wants.

Kind people are generous with their time and energy because that is what they want to do. They want to make a difference.

Kindness is not the lack of meanness, it is an active choice to make someone else’s life better.

Don’t expect your child to be nice, with the veneer of social expectation getting them through life. As parents, don’t just tell them and show them how to interact with the outside world - model empathy. Show them what it means to explicitly care for others.
Expect kindness. But show it yourself first.