PARENTING THURSDAY: Stressed Out

Being a stressed parent is normal.

It’s a stressful role, and despite our best efforts to be calm around our children, it isn’t always possible. However - it’s important to identify that there are different types of stress, and a few ways we might manage it (or not).  As parents, we need to be able to identify our triggers and act accordingly.

There are those day-to-day general stressors, the things that bother us and cause us to be a bit worn down and cranky - but generally we can still function and behave as ourselves when dealing with our kids (we may also need to become accustomed to apologising for our children too).

Stress which comes from internal conflict and outside issues, such as workplace trouble, your own life changes, conflict in relationships and your own unresolved childhood trauma - these are more serious, and can cause a parent to be distracted and undergo a change in attitudes and personality.

Serious stress can send our children a message that they are not able to be themselves. If they have healthy parent-child connections, they grow up to have good relationships in adulthood. If we are constantly reactive around them, and send a message that they need to behave in a particular way around us, then they learn that we are unsafe and fearful. That leads to the child feeling insecure and fearful for themselves - mirroring their parent. 

Imagine that your child is hit by another at school and is upset and fearful. Instead of comforting your child, you go into fight mode (because it has raised a deep-rooted attitude and pushed that button) - you yell at the other kid and berate the parents. Meanwhile your own child has to deal with their own pain and fears without your parental comfort. They know know you as an angry parent, but not an available. What’s worse is they can feel the situation is uncomfortable and their fault, and suppress their own feelings because they see their parent can’t really help them.

If we are watching someone else be stressed, we don’t just feel their stress mentally or emotionally, we even replicate it biologically. Our own cortisol levels shoot up. This is the case even when we don’t know the person. If we are closely connected to them, our empathetic stress response can be 40% stronger. 

We talk about modeling often on this blog - but what is it? Well, it’s not just imitation. There is an element of choice involved when we observe a behavior and consider if the results are worthwhile. For example, if our child witnesses us shouting and screaming, and notice that we then get what we want - guess what? They may choose to act in the same way. 

The more stressed we are, the less consistent our parenting becomes. We let things slip, we don’t look after ourselves and our parenting can become more chaotic and unhealthy. Dropping the ball as a one-off is normal and to be expected, but if our stress means that we become increasingly inconsistent, our children will begin to struggle with the lack of structure and unpredictability.

What can you do to deal with your own stress as a parent?

Find out more about bringing mindfulness into your parenting - become aware of your own feelings and how often we can lash out at our children based on our own vulnerabilities and issues.  
It’s ok to let our kids know that we don’t always feel great and are having a hard day. If we explain age-appropriately and in a way that won’t cause worry, and seek to reassure them, they will feel a lot more secure (and probably more open about talking to you about their own problems).

Apologise. Sometimes we verbally lash out at our children over an issue,  but when we step back, we realise it really wasn’t about their actions, but about our own feelings and fears. Parents who resist saying sorry for their own poor behavior can raise shame-filled kids who do the same.  Remember modeling. 

Choose healthy stress-relief strategies. Share this with your children as they will learn for themselves how to be resilient and to look after themselves. 

If it turns out that parental stress has triggered old unresolved issues that are behind your feelings of fear and anxiety, it may be useful to talk to a professional counselor or therapist, as they can help with your emotional toolkit.